Forbidden Thoughts
by DeliciousNewYork
Summary: As Harry moves out of Remus's home Harry reflects on the changes going on, and Remus remembers his first moments with Tonks
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, don't sue.

* * *

**Forbidden Thoughts**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Harry**

I'm keeping this because Dumbledore suggested it before… Well, you know.

"A young man must learn how to deal with his emotions, how to approach them, that's the only way you can learn to control them, and use them for some sort of benefit, instead of letting them use you."

So here it is. Things are strange, after the funeral and the whole bit I spent a few days with Lupin. But it was awkward, with both of us so torn up, not to mention Tonks being there. They're in a weird state, her and Lupin, they're both so upset over Sirius and Dumbledore, but then they've just finally gotten together, so they're still in that stage of overwhelming happiness. Being around them reminds me of that feeling that I lost.

Lupin took me to the Dursley's and at last I've got all of my things and I'll never have to go back to that Godforsaken house ever again. It was strange leaving it, Aunt Petunia come over and gave me a stiff hug. I'm not sure why, maybe just because Lupin was watching, but still, there was a vague sincerity about it that confused me.

I'm living at The Burrow now, I was going to stay at 12 Grimmauld Place, but Mrs. Weasley thought it would be better if I stayed at the burrow. I plan on finding a place of my own to buy eventually, but until that point, I'm happy being here amongst the few that care about me, as a person, not a savior.

It's somewhat awkward being here, in some respects; on the one hand these people are like my family and on the other…

I guess awkward refers mainly to Ginny. Yes we were together and then apart and then briefly together and then… I'm too distant. We've both changed so much. We grew apart. There are things we need to work out before we can even think about getting back together… All have been said and I can't figure out anything to do about any of them.

Want my honesty? I want to be with her. In fact, a part of me still thinks of her as mine. Part of me thinks it's only a matter of time before we'll end up back together. Will living at the burrow help? I don't know.

Ron says he thinks she may be seeing someone, but she hasn't told anyone, for sure. She's been really distant, almost secretive lately. He's not sure why, but thinks it has something to do with hurting me. Hermione's deduced that she has to be secretive, because if anyone in the family finds out, than it will come back to me, and in their eyes I'm as fragile as cracked glass that's not yet fallen to pieces.

"Leave it alone, Harry, if it's meant to work out, it will."

But what if it's not? Then what?

* * *

More to come shortly :-D

Please Review!!


	2. Remus

**A/N**: Remus Lupin's POV, this may seem very loosely attached to Harry's part of the story, and that's because, it is. But hang with and hopefully things will begin to connect better.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Remus**

Harry's leaving today. A part of me feels guilty for the way Nymphadora and I have treated him. It's hard to be happy right now, but then somehow it's also hard not to be. In the moments that I lose that happiness she's there and I wonder how I ever dealt without her.

Would Sirius of been happy for us? I like to think so. I can hear him joking sometimes about me robbing the cradle, or her liking old men. But I can also remember the darkness in his eyes. There's that one memory, as a young adult shortly before he was framed and sent to Azkaban, that moment that tore us apart.

It seems like a nightmare almost now, and I still have that shame. I try to push that memory away. She's never brought it up and we've never spoken about it but still now and then after a kiss when I pull away, I can see those dark eyes, that figure in the doorway so furious. I can hear those words,

_"Pedophile! Fucking pedophile!" _

Thinking back now she seemed so much older than she really was. James and I had decided to spend that summer with Sirius and Andromeda; I was twenty five so that would have made her… thirteen?

Twelve years seems like a lot, I know that. I tried to persuade her of that, but she really is stubborn.

"I'm thirty years old now Remus, I think I can make up my own decision on whether or not I'm old enough for you. Thirty to forty-two really does sound a lot nicer than thirteen to twenty-five.

I was a pedophile. I realize that, but there was a certain maturity about her that I had never mastered, still haven't. That innate ability to talk and have people listen, and care. That confidence to just not care what others thought of you, that freedom. She was so like Sirius, and yet she wasn't rebellious or angry, as he was. She was simply content in being who she was. And she still is.

_"You're, you're only, sixteen!" _

_"Do you always talk this much about numbers when you're kissing?" _That had shut me up, but even if it hadn't, she would have with her full, sweet, mouth.

_"Thirteen," _

_"What?" _

_"You were three years off, I'm thirteen." _

I had pushed her away, claiming the whole thing was a mistake, apologizing a million times.

But she had just smiled like a little minx.

_"You're cute when you're angry." _

She had stalked off winking and telling me she'd see me in the morning. I had cursed myself and ran off to the room I was sharing with Sirius and James.

_"Where've you been mate?" _James had asked the second I came through the door. I had turned all red muttered and mumbling about being hungry and then feeling sick and then… Sirius gave me a look and then said

_"Well, we ran into Nymph and she said she had played some joke on you," _He smiled raising an eyebrow, _"Looks like I taught her pretty well if she's gotten you this shaken up." _He and James laughed while I nodded along

_"She said to tell you she wants to make it up to you tomorrow," _James added,_ "Some kind of apology. She said to tell you that you had better stop thinking about numbers though, because last time it was a big distraction." _

I was determined not to let her corner me into anything that next day but inevitably it happened. How could she have been so young? Maybe it's her ability to morph and change, but she didn't look like any thirteen year old girl I'd ever seen.

He had walked in on that second time, and that had been it for us, that had been it until now. Years later, she still has that same spark that I can't help but be drawn to. My pedophilic addiction that not even the death of a best friend could cure me of.

_"Pedophile! Fucking pedophile!" _

* * *

**A/N Cont.:** Thanks for reading, I know this is a little confusing right now but stay with me, it'll all come together eventually. If you're interested in more, please let me know! 


End file.
